Letters, Rituals and Alsatians.

This is so much fun. Every year for raksha bandhan me and my sister write letters to all our brothers. Do we know them? Do they want it? Can they read? Irrelevant questions.

 The letter is basically 5% information about what’s going on in our lives 2% inquiry on what’s going on in theirs and 93% essay on a random topic nobody else will talk to us about. We have written about teddy bears, cold medicine, meera bai, diwali lights just anything really. I think I wrote a poem about Alsatians once, wonder which poor guy got that. 

Letter writing is fun its personal, if you have something awesome to tell someone no one is there to interrupt and make you forget it, you can rant on and on and be completely annoying but no one is there to yell at you to shut up. You can talk about awkward stuff which you wouldn't be able to tell in person (chachi that super expensive vase that broke for which you scolded my younger cousin bro yea that was me),  you can finally tell off the mean booger face cousin who is stronger than you and always snatches the remote (you have the face of a donkey, personality of a dung beetle and your brain is size of a toad wart). The last one is assuming  you are far away and he can’t retaliate.

All this my irritating yet awesome brothers bear year after year to them I say you are very lucky to have sisters like us (2 thumbs up) and please don’t hold back in your gift giving we also accept cheques. Kidding, well 20% kidding, still you guys rock.

 Early Happy Rakshabandhan wishes to everyone. May the force be with you, live long and prosper.

ode to Sandy the Alsatian

you are brown black and yellow

Colors that don’t usually jello,

Growling and wagging your tail u walk down my lane

Like scrooge mc duck having to shop without a sale,

If you are ever off your leash we will run helter skelter

Like we are being chased by voldemort and darth vader,

So we climb our roofs cause dogs cant climb ladders

And watch u pass by as with your eyes you shoot daggers.
(inspired by the song ladki kamal dekho aakhiyon se goli maare)

To The Technologically Challenged

So much technology- the laptop,the palm top, the iphones, the smartphone, the television, the remote, the heater the air conditioner oh my god the list is so long. From the light switches and door latches to the satellites and airplanes. We are surrounded by machines.

Don’t get me wrong they make life way easier. Can you imagine going from India to I don’t know Egypt if there were no airplanes? Hi Mr. Pterodactyl mind if I hitch a ride just drop me off at the sphinx. Nope cant do it.

So while machines are great for any normal person for people like me (read clueless) they are just few more things out to get us.

The first and most basic one the door latch simple mechanism one would think, no for us its like performing a major heist of some superbly protected safe one wrong move and boom booboo on the thumb. The times my fingers have been slammed by car doors (shaking lips).

 Next the light switch, what could possibly go wrong you ask? Well you may think all you are doing is switching on the light or the fan but you may end up blowing the fuse of the entire house. How are you asking me how, I don’t know the god of machines hates us.

Now try plugging in the cell phone charger. how many people broke it (plug or charger) and how many people jammed the charger in the plug at a weird angle in someway you know it isn’t supposed to be. Welcome to the group my friends a consolatory hug and pappi for you all.

The laptop, the cell phone, the tv remote.  Why you not work for me but work for my father, sister, brother, mother  man why?  open  laptop it’s a blank screen,  switch on cell phone it has hanged itself,  pointing the remote at the tv and it refuses to change the channel especially during a condom ad when sitting with the entire family  (practice safe sex people).    

My room heater is possessed and my cooler doesn’t cool anything.  The cooler can be on the entire night the next morning I will wake up drenched in sweat.. I know you are working don’t you try that partiality shit with me. It’s a cold winter night you've just finished watching a scary movie, switch of the lights (not the bathroom light just seen a scary movie remember) get inside a blanket nice warm and safe and then suddenly you hear a sound like an electric chain saw sputtering. … … … OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!! WHERE ARE THE LIGHT SABERS??!! WHERE IS OUR PUSHTEINI TALWAR??!! EVERYONE WAKE UP!!! Wait wait it was just the heater. Now dodge the chappals, shake fists at optimus prime (you machine you) and get back in the blanket you poor muggle.

Admissions

 I have never seen or experienced anything as soul suckingly hectic.

First the build up to it. For 2 months the children and parents bite their nails and pray to god (oh god results! Oh god the cut of lists! Oh dear lord my father my saviour the admissions!!!) this is when god probably gets a migraine. Oh and if anyone is reading this and you are a relative of someone giving boards here is a tip please do not call to ask about marks if they are great we will call you, they are marks not information on how to get to hogwarts, prioritize and calm the heck down.

Worst foreplay ever

Then comes the time of the admissions *ominous music- dun dun duuunnnn

It starts with the battle cry of THE CUT OFF LISTS ARE OUT!! Gates are pushed open and a sea of screaming parents and kids charge the battlefields.

There are parents shouting at the volunteers about the extra conditions, they push aside the other kids (healthy competition)and anyone who made the mistake to stand in their path (whai parents whai? this is a college not kurukshetra) and there are already lines being formed in the office’s. How did that even happen the process literally just started what is that line of?? Oh some other course the results of which were announced yesterday. Perfect such a good idea to add more people to the hysterical sweaty chaos.

There are lines for everything first get into the line of the dept you want to get admission of, confirm you have got the admission go back and attach or detach the particular documents fill the necessary forms, next get in line again for 2 more hours to submit document. Go to some other room get in line for another form, fill the form in then once more get in line for 2 hours and submit it. a friendly point out to the sweltering, sidewalks are hot enough to melt rubber heat, thank you for your presence in this process (bottle up the fits of rage).

 Have u survived? Wonderful! We have for the winner the fee submission line *sarcastic applause* if you somehow manage to pay the fees and get the slip the same day… salutations my friend now go back up there and get in that line to submit it like a trooper. Congratulations you have got the admission to your safety course in your safety college. Now lay in wait for the 2^nd list to come out, so you can repeat the whole process again to some other college closer to your choice.

lessons of a rainy day

1) When 'dancing in the rain' wear a black thick t shirt with an iron on of a skull and crossed bones, or a random car will honk at you and call you madonaaaaaa.

2) If in a splash war with cousins make sure your slippers are sturdy and well yours, otherwise it will fly to the middle of the road or worse you will.

3) Make sure the stage of 'the funs and the frolicks' is away from trees which grow dangerous fruits (u know the kind that fall on you and give you a minor skull injury), for instance mango, papaya or coconut.

4) Do not include in 'the funs and the frolicks' any one who will go- "mummmmaaeeee didi mujh par pani daliiiiii :''''( ".

5) If instead of 'doing the dances' in the rain if you have decided (like an irritating bobo) to curl up with a good book and coffee make sure the window you sit next to is closed. Innocent bystanders should not be blamed if some creepy crawly organism jumps at you to avoid the rain.

6) Also the most important one- if and when you start coughing DO NOT glance up at your mother or any relatives unless you want to watch them morphing  into slytherin's monster. just subtly sneak some pakodas into your pocket and escape before the classics- "act your age" and "aur bheego barish mai"  begin playing

Happy monsoon to anyone reading this, though if you are reading this after mosoons are over - happy random day :)